Broken.

Shards of glass.

On the floor.

I groan thinking about cleaning it once more.

Adversity.

In times of adversity think of one time that was not.

It helps a little bit. :)

it sets in.

Simple.

It's not simple at all.

Bola 2010.

I swear I did not steal his food.

:)

*

All is fun and good. Although I had no success to get Izalea and Sonia to come in a pink dress, but to drag them to a formal event was still a feat.

Will belanja you a steak, Izalea. Will buy you a lolly, Sonia.

*

It might've been harder than I thought. But fingers crossed. After this week, all will be well.

We're still WOOTS like 8 years later.

Take note: Kui Jien was not mentioned in this post. Until now. TEEHEE.

O.

M.

G.

Gnoooooooo!

I just realized I'm cheap labour. :O :O

What am I doing wrong?

K-drama.

How can I still not find this ridiculous?! :D

Have no idea how this would turn out. The taiwanese version was by far zomgs damn good. And I cannot compute Kim Hyunjoong as a smart bad-ass in my mind. This goes to my things-to-do-after-honours list (Though I'm not sure if i can resist temptation until then).

Laura Mulvey is very wrong in this one. She said many shows used to be done based on the male gaze. As a female viewer, you still watch it from the point of view of the man. This may apply to Holly wood.

I could so write a whole thesis about this. Korean dramas always catered to the female gaze and desires more than the male. Average girl and a recent big-break high-profile resident good looker cum boybander in the Korean entertainment industry. You get the drift. :)

I don't find this ridiculous. I could write ten thousand theses on Korean dramas forever and ever and ever. :D :D :D

One Chunk.

I admit, I don't deal with nostalgia very well. Which is why I try to by writing it down. For every photo that captures the passing moment, and every image that captured the passing moment, I hold on in my reverie. Lately, I noticed I've been doing it a little more often than I did before. It just seemed to me that I had a wealth of things to look back at. How we've grown to what we are today. With every inch the children stand, with every wrinkle that appears on the adults' face, everything just got me wondering, isn't time passing a little too fast?

Attachment to people is often malleable. Feelings change, people change, we adapt, although we mustn't forget the difficulty in this lies in the act of adapting to change. Attachment to things perhaps a little harder to cope. It's because they stay with you. They function. They make your life a lot easier without saying 'no'. They do what they're meant to do without rejecting you. Attachment to things I feel is also difficult to remove. Some things I have, I still look back now, and still feel that what if I still had it? Things I've lost out of carelessness, or things that have been taken away from me, or things I sold. These items which accompanied me through a specific amount of time when things happened. Attachment to place is another. I feel deeply deeply ingrained in my brain a want that I fail to remove completely.

But I like to see myself a a big puzzle. With pieces lying every where, a moment that filled people who have parted or things that someone else might be holding.

It's been a little over two months and one thing that kept on reappearing every day and catching my attention is about to be sold off. I first noticed it in the early days of April. And since then, it has always constantly appearing. It's still quite unbelievable how things turned out through the course of time. It definitely got my attention like how it was intended. It definitely was part of something that made a chunk of me. And like every departure, this one left with a chunk of me.

Assume.

I lost count of my epic phail moments. Bahahahah.

Anyways, Back to JB tomorrow for family reunion of sorts. WOOOOOOOOOOO! HAPPY.

Jim Morrison.

To Crack.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpOTNKHvISM

And to reflect.

Clickkk to go to my pseudo Singaporean life bible----> A heart that hurts is a heart that works

Unagi.

:)


*

In this world,

People do see beyond the size and aesthetics of the body.

Overwhelmed.

I cannot focusssss. ARGH.

Off schedule dy.

*curse and swear*

Mourn.

It is how you build your life around something, and then you watch it waste away. But it doesn't mean you can't rebuild it again.

I hope all ends well.

Destination

It's not the destination, it's the journey.

Party Hard.

I frown at the sheer stupidity of the second semester.

Hurricane

“i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. not fuck, like in those movies. not even have sex. just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. but i lacked the courage, and she has a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. so i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

- john green, looking for alaska

I just had to put this up when I saw it on Perfect 10's Rozz's blog. Couldn't sleep. And now after seeing this I'm even more awake.

OH SO SWEET I just wanna die. *nerdmetaphoricalmindphuck*

*

People say, heartbreak is when love is not love anymore. I believe heartbreak is until love is found again. Of course, if this is yet another test of my belief, I am keen to see how long it stands. If I live long enough to give a testament, I will.

I truly truly am lucky. Therefore I thank. I know I said I didn't before, but maybe now, I believe in this thing called fate, though not to the purest sense. I sit on the fence. How irrational. But I like.

Examiner

Yep. In search of one for a doctor for my baby due Oct/Nov.

I finished reading this book the past week and this ushered in an ultimate Unagi moment.

This author agreed.

One down. One more to go.

Salam Merdeka.

Dear Malaysia,

I thought about you a lot when I was away.
I thought about what you offered and what you had that I didn't at where I stood.
I stood at dark cobalt stone alleys dipping my boot into dew.
The chill engulfed me with the wind and yet the sun was shining.
I hopped off from tram to tram.
I rushed from train to train.
This life was one I technically could live with.
With facilities to make sure my comfort,
and meals to make sure I would eat.
But what was there that made me feel incomplete?

I love you too much to watch you crumble.
I wished I loved you enough to hold you so you wouldn't.
Would I be too docile to conform?
Or would I be too antagonistic to react?
Would I be too selfish to wait for someone else to keep you intact?
How should I declare my love for you?
However I do it others won't approve.

And like unrequited love, here I am. Living in limbo of the worst kind.

With Love,

Your Citizen.

Happy Birthday.

I hope everything falls into place.

Positive qiii.

When I get my own income, I am going to sign up for a gym membership. This maggi lifestyle will NOT do!

The pains of growing up.

My course has made me quite nihilistic than I was as a child. I frown and throw around ramblings yadayada 'Life sucks' at the age of 12, a pseudo-emo phase I shared with my friends, when at that time I was actually living without a care, or meaningful purpose apart from pleasing my friends who I no longer contact anymore and doing well for my exams.

But how can 'life suck' at the age of 12? Seriously?

Sure you're under the authority of the adults, but you get to rebel and get away with it. You get to negotiate your 'lack of power' and turn it against the adults. You get to say something hurtful and forget it the next minute. You get to essentially behave like a child. At 12, you are actually having a time of your life.

At 12, I had a functioning family. I had parents who didn't throw plates at each other. I had a computer which my brother and I compromised (after much effort) and shared. I had food on the table. Junk food in the cabinets. At 12, I was smart enough to stand on a chair to reach for it. I was obese but weight was never really had an issue with me that which seriously seriously disturbed me the way it disturbed Lindsay Lohan. I had metaphorical bruises along the way, but never felt the need to cover them up because they eventually disappear.

Growing up was HARDLY painful. You wanna know what's painful?

Politics is painful (or at least what they say is). Government controlled media is painful. Censorship is painful. Racism is painful. The NEP is painful. KL traffic is painful. Being broke is painful. Watching the homeless people in streets of Melbourne was painful. Fake people are painful. Assignments are painful. Unrequited love is painful. Failed love, even worse.

The seriousness of these emotional pains, the intensity, the uncontrollable circumstances that only arise when one becomes aware of bigger things in life. These are authorities you CANNOT rebel, NOW THAT IS PAINFUL.

The next kid who says life sucks just because he didn't get a toy he wanted for his birthday will get a slap some advice from me.

"Deal with it, bitch. Or go to Afghanistan."

I'm 22. And I still bruise myself. I know some bruises like this stay and essentially make you what you become. Perhaps that's life's purpose.

Stalker

My best bud has a stalker.

If that person stalks her far enough, he'll see this.

Intensity.

The intensity of your pain I feel is equivalent my empathy. Hopefully everything falls through.

Heat.

So in the midst of the discussion of hot dudes.

Person 1: *to me* So who do you think is hot?

I: Hmmm... I think-

(hesitant)

I: I think-

(hesitates)

it must've been at least twice it happened.

Him: Farish Noor right?

LOL. *Ruckus*. Drama. Objections. LOL.

I never had a problem answering this question. I wonder what this means. Awkward. :S

Farish Noor wouldn't have been my first choice though even if he was oozing with intellectual hotness.

I hope by the end of this post.

I hope by the end of this post I will feel sleepy. I miss sleeping. I miss sleeping without having to wake up in the middle of the night. And this is just one of my futile attempts to put myself to sleep in one such occasion.

The stress is settling in harder than ever now and it seems to me it's going to be a permanent resident until the end of the semester. I kinda get that big looming cloud of dread hanging over me when I sit on my mustard-yellow chair in the Honours room. It is very unsettling it is affecting my number 1 (or number two :D) love in life - Sleep.

The schedule is just getting more and more packed I have less and less time to spend with people I want to spent it with, more and more things to do and the worst part is it comes one-shot due one day after another. I know it'll benefit me in the long run and train me to be able to handle more than one thing at a time (something I'm rarely successful at as an undergrad). I'm losing my ability to focus. OMG.

Tutoring has been pretty much fun and fulfilling and as much as I hate to admit it, it's probably the only thing right now that I enjoy of all the work I have to do in a week. LOL. Glad I signed up. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't consider myself a particularly brilliant student as an undergrad. I never pictured myself to be taking honours, let alone tutoring but here I am. Nervous at first, but getting the hang of what I do. The people I teach are more responsive than I initially thought as well. And like myself 3 years ago, they don't do their readings. Hahahaa. All is good.

I remember vaguely how the possibility of Honours came about. The possibility of Honours just popped up as I was finishing my last assignment in Melbourne. What do I do now? That dreadful question that looms above all our heads. The possibilities of making it in the working world, parting with good friends and all these comfort we once had was going to be taken away just like that no matter what path you choose. But new comforts that come after that reinstates how adaptable humans are.

I chose to pursue this only because I felt I didn't know enough. And pushed towards new boundaries slowly out of our comfort zones, I surprisingly made it. I don't feel like how I did 5 months ago. It's quite funny seeing myself stumbling my way here and there to where I am now. But when I look back and see how much I've developed from all these harshness, I am content. With all the wonderful support I get, the journey is worth walking.

James Morrison

HOLY COW NEW FAVOURITE JAMES MORRISON SONNNNGG. AACCKKK!


Old favourite but still a favourite.



Remind me to thank Youtube in my Acknowledgements section in my thesis.

Flashhh backkk

Common daddy-song in the car when I was a kid.

Docile.

It's not about what you want but it's about what you need.

I sat at the cafeteria pondering back and forth as my friends animatedly debated about this question:

Is love a need or a want?

Surely this question has been the food for many chic lits available in MPH.

Being in a rather awkward situation I was in, leaning against my bomb shelter, his hand in mine, when they were talking about it. We watched.

On the left hand corner, she harped about how one person could not live without food or water, and if love was a need one would die, literally, if he did not have it. Hence, love was a want. Something to have that would make a day feel complete but without it, you would not be any less complete. Technically it's possible to live on your own. You can eat on your own, you can sleep on your own, and you can even literally fuck on your own. One would not die without love.

However, the other argued from a more metaphorical sense in a way death was seen as a life not worth living. A life without love is one filled with sadness and lesser meaning. How can anyone live without love?

I argued there isn't necessarily love in a marriage pointing out arranged marriages and such, however, one interjected. 'Love and marriage is two different things.' One doesn't necessarily lead to another.

The debate was long but these were the main premises of their arguments. Being in a position where I'm in, I think this question is difficult to answer.

There were times I would've loved to have love. Times when I felt my life was incomplete that it no longer was a want but a need. How I thought how perfect my life would be just to have someone to depend on when times were hard. And at that time, perhaps, emotionally it was. And as much as I hate to admit it, this reason for so-called 'love' was a very selfish one.

Fast forward in time, presently. Now that you have it, you fear of losing it. And like how at that time I couldn't picture myself how it would be like actually being with somebody, my thoughts could never go beyond saying 'I like you too', I cannot picture myself having to live my life without that special person around anymore.

But in both situations, love doesn't only lie in a person or romance you desire. There you are in a foreign place thinking you need love when you were actually living pretty comfortably comparatively to other migrants, love was actually already there because love comes in many forms. Friends for support, family to ramble to. These are the people you connect with.

Even so, having felt different kinds of love... this is probably one questions I cannot answer.

Love encapsulates too many things which is why it is so hard to define.

Sledgehammer.

As nerdy as I sound, I really like my thesis topic.

I'm writing about dressing. Something so ordinary that people take for granted. I'm writing about dressing in the context of expression of faith. The visual-ness of Islam in Malaysia doesn't exist without the subjective-ness that lies beneath. Having said that, the fabric being part of the gender dimension of ethnic ideals as well patriarchy which cuts across all Asian civilizations. And how despite that, it can also be seen as a fashionable, current, modern piece of attire that can forges tradition and modernity presented as such in multiple media texts and cultural markets that solely dedicated to the female Muslim market.

Ok. So I need to expand this into 15000 words with Goffman, Foucault and some other theorists by my birthday. And I'm thinking to myself. Maybe, just maybe I can hit my hand with a sledgehammer and get an extension. Sounds like a plan.

One Big Circle.

KL is one big scary circle. Everybody is connected in someway. Holy crap.

*jaw drops*

The book of face.

Like wow.

I was surfing fb compulsively like I always do when I have work to do and I wished I hadn't because a) work is not done, b) you find out the darnest things on the Book of Face. At the homepage, where we get to see feeds and what not, I saw an update of a classmate, whom I am not friends with on fb, through congratulatory comments written by schoolmates who I am connected to. Normally once you have like more than 3 friends that comments/'likes' this status of someone you're not connected with, FB still shows it on your homepage anyway. Quite scary if you think of it this way. Dodgy.

But anyway, her update went - "I'm Pregnant, OMG! blabla etc" along the lines of thanking God.

First thing that came through my mind was, 'Was it out of wed lock?' And no, I'm not being mean, I just didn't know (but i found the next 2 minutes later) that she was actually already married for a while.

I k-po-ed through the comments. (28 comments and counting, 15 likes) First of all, it seemed like it's true, she really was pregnant and damn happy about it. And second of all, it didn't seem like it's out of wedlock. (Yes, i went to her profile page and saw her relationship status).

And I thought to myself, "What? She's married?!" Of course she wasn't the first of my peers that I know who are married or mothers really. There has been a couple of them. I don't know looking at us all 4 years back, I wonder how years after our delinquent days (not this particular friend. She was a prefect and a pretty friendly one at that. Don't remember getting trouble with her. She was nothing else but nice.) and that the possibility of us being mothers and bearers-of-the-nation and nurturers of a new generation and all that constructed social humbug that are imposed on women.

But still, I don't see myself at that age where I have peers flashing their 'married' (or pregnant) statuses on facebook. I'm not very old, the last I recall. In fact, I'm damn young. Too damn young to be a mother. I've only started dating. Handling a family of my own is the last thing on my mind. Or going through 9 months of bloating, hormonal imbalances and childbirth and what not and later nappy changing...

Wow. It's a big responsibility. HUGE I tell you. I don't see myself wanting to handle that when there is so many things in life that I haven't gone through, so many things I haven't seen. The last thing I want is a baby to tie me down. Just thinking like that makes me a bad woman, no?

The feminist in me say I should aspire to do more in life instead of making babies, hence the Honours and hopefully a decent pay cheque that accompanies it. Of course occasionally I would mentally gush at the thought of how I could go through 9 months of pregnancy instead of grueling 9 months of writing a thesis. BUT that's strictly partly because through the process of writing a thesis can make you feel like that.

OR do I subconsciously want to be a stay-home mum and conform to this tyranny of nurturing and all that fetch kid to school fetch him back, cook, clean, do homework, yell, get messy hair, age a bit, displace discontent of husband's depleting affection by focusing on children?

It's pretty conflicting when it comes to this. I used to be the little girl who thought of marriage as an the epitome of happiness in life (Thank you so much, you anglocentric racist brainwashing Disney) but despite being at a marriagable age now, I don't know what to think. I am surprised by my own reaction towards this.

I am wavering between 'omigosh poor girl missing out on so much' and a wholehearted 'congratulations!' immediately after seeing it, which became more like 'Hah~'. But for all I know, she may be the happiest woman alive right now while I lead my life of a pseudo-feminist 'apparently' emancipating myself from male domination but still live in the world where sexism and patriachy exists in my consciousness. I'm trapped in the big box as they say. A big fking unpenetrable box.

I was rambling about this to my classmates there are stories.

One of them just recently got back from a wedding and the bride is 20 years old. Another friend of hers who got married in Sem 1 is currently already pregnant, and not-so-happily ever after, another got married after highschool had a baby and is now going through a divorce.

So one of them commented (after i admited to mental gushing) "I'd rather do honours, man! Honours is only until October. A baby is for the rest of your fking life."

I stare at the empty comment box. Do I congratulater her?

She has 31 comments now.

Though, I cannot imagine myself in her position right now, do I subconsciously envision myself as her someday?

And I'm back to work.

Bombshelter.

'Twas the day after an overwheeeelming month, bomb scares and bad hair, ginger ale and big grand sales, deadlines and landmines. And we scraped through.

*

I met an old friend again, after 4 years. Her afro still screams out awesomeness. But talking to her, I know somethings have changed. I know, it's been 4 years since I last saw her. And 4 years is an awfully long time when a lot of things can happen. The last I heard she was in the UK because she was bitching about potatoes on fb. I imagined that insane quirky ketua-pengawas (the best ever) prancing around etc. In school, we were without a care. And when we're thrown out into the real world, in a foreign country, we see so much, we scar so much. We had greater ideals as a child that shatters as we grow up.

Truth be told, I am disappointed at how we can't be kids anymore. It's not only her, I too find that it takes effort to be a child again.

I hope everything falls in place for her.

Side note, some people change, some people don't.

Another friend of mine got pissed drunk before the birthday boy got wasted heck. Tsk tsk tsk. I don't drop names, people also know who lah har.

:)

When in doubt, Google.

Lucky.

It feels like I struck lottery but I don't get a million dollars. And it's actually a good thing.

Self definitive.

Someone once said to me, misery is self definitive.

My parents tell me 'count your blessings'.

Another tells me to look at the silver lining.

Things don't always go your way, but certainly it is possible to make the best out of what there is.


*

I'm quite hyped for this semester to be over. The work load is insane, but I'm hyped. I know how I'd feel when I'm done with what I'm writting.

Priorities.

It's not easy to find a balance.

I think I kinda get it now.

So true.

*sigh*

Speechless.

Describes the fate of Malaysians, literally.

End of July.

August will be awesome.

The rarity.

There a time in a significant moment of youth, like a sort of coming of age, when people part, and one suddenly feels a sense of loss looking back at the old times spent together. Paths that cross part one by one, sharing only one thing in common that is the time of passing. It becomes harder to let go, harder to move on. The only reason is because people like this are rare.

When you lose their physical presence, one can only wonder what sort of lives they're currently living. When calls suddenly aren't enough. When your life takes a crucial turn, such loss you feel the people who was there weren't anymore. That you want these people to live through the significant moments of your life, which in turn you also hope to live in theirs.

These people are rare.

I can only wonder what I've missed in theirs. Does it feel the same for them?

Rectify.

alexyeo says:
yup
rmb
u still got time to rectify watever regrets u might have in the future
u dont want that day to come
so start

A blessing.

It's not that hard to see.

Timeless.

Back in the day when I was into a language I could barely understand and elaborate live performances to download. I still love this song.

Ingest.

Things I've been putting off since forever.

Omgosh help me.

Sanity.

It has been a week. A week with enough bombshells to make me Nagasaki. Thank you, bomb shelter.

With all that has happened, the shock, the tears, and the lessons, I can't help but feel blessed that I was able to live through this. And one week on, we still miss him. But to know that he would be laid to rest is comforting. Even more so, that he's being laid to rest on this same land I currently step on.

The whole idea of death and how vulnerable the living is still scares me but it's one lesson that I'll never forget. Ben, you left in style. Thank you. We'll never forget you.

I spoke to a Karina on the phone yesterday had an awesome laugh. I don't remember the last time we spoke on the phone for that long la. I may not be there with you right now, but I'm there in spirit. Ok? Alex, apparently Melbourne misses us. A little shout out to everybody we loved in Melbie. Alo!

Looking back at what happened after Chiang Mai is still bizarre. But what can I say? I still can't rationalize a whole lot of other things that happened before Chiang Mai.

Conducted a tutorial last Friday. Reminded me of a particular tutorial I had with Ben on a Friday when I was in first year.

Thank You.

Thank you for all the lessons in class and of life and all you gave.

Thank you for ushering love into my life.

Thank you for the Short film that I've been bugging you for.

Thank you for this one last lesson you taught us about how short life is now that you're gone. But memories of you will be immortalized in time.

Though it's too late for me to thank you in person, I think you know.

I will comfort myself. I know that you're in a better place.

We love you Ben. You will be missed.

End.

Semester one is down, semester two is staring at my face. I'm currently sitting down chilling with my parents in a hotel room they are spending the night in. I think since Karina's arrival at KL and Chiang Mai, this has been the only time I got to sit down to rest and stone. Been busy busy busy, rushing, hanging out, juggling work. It's all good times I want to remember.

Of course, I won't get to do this for long, because there are things to do. Uni starts tomorrow at 9am. Workload is doubling in front of my eyes. Commitments as well.

But I know these are things I WANT to commit myself to. Whether it's Honours or the possibility of messing up as a tutor, or that special someone I hope I won't neglect. These commitments are choices I made, as well as promises. I'd do my best to finish what has begun.

Perhaps I've been too accustomed what we had in Chiang Mai. I was unsure of what to expect at first, could it be a summer fling? or would feelings change once the Chiang Mai heat stops messing with our judgments? Though In search of Chiangmai may be over, but I'm glad to know that some things don't really end even when it's over. Among the other things I found in Chiang Mai, I'm glad I found you. I still don't know how it happened but I've never been happier.

*

I'm finally Home. You know what I mean.

Cheers to Cheesiness!

MSN

MSN doesn't do me justice. Seven Chat boxes with my mother beside me can only equal to mental chaos.

Stars shining right above me.

Dreamt a little dream of us.

So.

The Streets were Rowdy! And the octopus was correct. Somehow, the streets that night reminded me of Melbourne during one of those hot-spells. It has been eventful. :) For more, please check (shameless advertising here lol) THIS.

Chiang Mai, this quaint little city up north of Thailand yet so rich with culture, has a special place in my heart.

Interpretations.

Spreading wongfu love.

*

Excited. Chiangmai in 8 hours. I hope I get a window seat. =)

I don't need an elaborate ruse.

To pay attention to things. Despite having a really short attention span. :)

What I hear no one else has to know.

I haven't been having exactly the easiest time of my life, but I have had people help me lighten up my burden.

I know parting is inevitable. And having to part after High School is even harder to maintain. I know presence is important, but online one can never really know. It gets harder and harder to maintain a conversation over the years with late replies and cracking our minds for topics and different thoughts and opinions change in general because we've all moved on to different phases in life. I think I made someone very upset last night. I can only hope it's not for too long.

It's been a decade. Definitely didn't feel like one. I'll see you people back home.

The car park song.

I've seen.

Theee claawwww - My best purchase from Singapore.

People around me fall in and out of relationships. Those who don't, remain in a rocky one or hold on to hope to be part of a relationship that never really became. I used to wonder why don't they see themselves deserving someone better? I used to think people are to just jump into a relationship for all the wrong reasons were silly for doing so. But even so, who is to say the reason is right or wrong?

I now know you cannot rationalize it this way. Feelings can be there. It's only worrisome that sometimes they don't last long enough. When they don't, things fall apart and slowly (but surely) people learn, rebuild their lives, stand up on their feet again until the next one comes by and the cycle of uncertainty continues.

Most people are strong enough to live through this learning cycle.

I still can't picture myself going through something like this, but maybe in time I will.

I feel young today.

Reggae.

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again. - Katy Perry.


I've been to Petaling Street area for the first time in my life. And I wonder, why no one brought me here before. This is me, and the midnight dodginess of Kuala Lumpur. It's quite a social experience. It's not as dodgy as I thought. Anywhere's good with good company.

The house is empty.

Food for thought: A house is not a home. Home is not always in a house.

Scars and Tattoos.

"TRAUMA , MEMORY AND TRANSFORMATION:
THE MALAYSIAN AND SOUTHEAST ASIAN EXPERIENCE
Monash Sunway Campus - 22-24th June 2010. - DAY 2"

Generally in all histories in South East Asia, traumas are sanitized in invented histories was very intriguing. However, it can be said that these traumas it should be out in the open to remind the young the painful process of Nation building. Just as trauma can be 'scars', trauma can also be treated like a 'tattoo'. - Not in the exact words, however but this is what I got from Farish Noor's talk this morning about 'history'. Even if both lasts forever in every sense of the word, one is seen with regret, the other is accepted as part of life which one lives and moves on. Whether a from a macro standpoint of a nation's history formed through collective memory, or a more micro notion of 'the-self', trauma ideally should be the latter. Or so I wish to turn my scars into tattoos.

side note.

Trauma Conference Day 2 ended with a lot of fangirliness.

Trauma

"TRAUMA , MEMORY AND TRANSFORMATION:
THE MALAYSIAN AND SOUTHEAST ASIAN EXPERIENCE
Monash Sunway Campus - 22-24th June 2010. - DAY 1"

I feel strangely inadequate right now. Oh so many people flashing in front of me induced some psuedo-claustrophobic attack. EESH. But I generally felt today's session was productive.

One mentioned Susan Sontag's theory against interpretation - I miss COM3055. The course as a whole was awesome.

But heres some food for thought.

One session that got me thinking is the one about Acheh where two presenters talks about the dealings with trauma. Where the politics of erasure vs the spiritual Healing of trauma in relation to collective memory (a more macro sense with this term). All in all, I think we all agree that some trauma cannot be expressed in words. Very emotive, very dependent on the human conscious-unconscious. Hence, one of the things these professors + academics argue is that trauma can be described through other forms of art like visual arts, film, music, fiction and etc that may allow the unconscious to seep out.

Personally, I've not dealt with 'trauma' that's as severe as what was discussed today (war, history, natural disaster). I've lost my Wira in 2008, I had to deal with heck alot of drama at Melbourne, I look back and I think: These memories of discontent I deal with it by displacing it on someone or something else.

This must also be why I write Fanfictions.

*

Side note.

I'm never going to buy a second-hand cellphone ever again. I'm fed up. Got fking cheated.

Looking for a safer place to hide.

It's about time I stopped.

Every year I promise myself to be 'true-er' to myself but... there's always a but.

Between pleasing other people and working to gain acceptance, is me and my irrational fear of rejection. I can't rationalize my obsession of being accepted. But truth be told, where I am now. I think I found solace in certain people who will never put me in limbo between acceptance and rejection. I think acceptance doesn't matter as much anymore.

The point is: People are so fluid and fragmented, we get overwhelmed by the different characters, emotions, discourses and opinions. You can't work yourself to please everyone. It's impossible even if you did it at your own expense.

And this part I hate, is choice. Who to please when you're stuck between two?

UGH.

Why do you let me stay here?

This is SHOO CUTE. *500 Days of Summer fangirly screams*.

500 Days of Summer Promo.



The Original. :)




I'm just sitting on the shelf. - She and Him.

I could do better.

Same same but different.

FOX.

ASTRO HAS FOXXX!

FOX HAS FAMILY GUY!

KL HAS NO ASTRO.

=.=

WHAT THE HECK.

To the moon and back.

Savage garden. Yes. I am stuck in the 90's.

Moving on.

I did not eat Katong Laksa.
I did not go to the Pixar's exhibition.
I did not get Universal Studios tickets.
But other places I went were as good during my little getaway.
Now that I'm back and greeted by all the chaos.
Rooting from the Trauma conference.
Chiang Mai trip.
Other responsibilities.
I wonder if it's possible for me to finish my fieldwork in time.

Can kut.

So yes. Now I'm poor and have aching limbs and a stomach that refuses to recover because of dodgy ass char kway teow from Vivo's Food Republic.

Had Fruitips. That tong garden pipe thinggys. Reaped the benefits from the Great Singapore Sale. *yay* Visited the Arts Museum *lovely lovely postcolonialism going on there*. Went to the beach.

And from these 4 days in Singapore I learnt, 7 Eleven is a life saver. WHO'S WITH ME?!

I think I wasn't able to enjoy it as much as I thought I would because this trip came with too much guilt. Don't get me wrong, from that moment I left my passport in KL, there's been too much I needed to sacrifice to go for the trip. Plus, from the very beginning, this trip ALMOST didn't happen. Now I think about my work eeesh. It's sad how I seem to always give in to temptation.

But it was fun while it lasted. =)

Now it's back to the Honours room and that marked proposal lying motionlessly on my table. *gulps*

I hate this part right here.

Merlion.

Will be away fishing for Merlions.

Tight ass budget but I can do this. EUGH. *fingers crossed*

Will be cut off from cyberspace for ze next 4 days.

And...

Alva. I will eat Katong laksa for you. =D

Tomorrow.

My best bud will be stepping on Malaysian soil.

I know it's going to be cheesy but, this person has been there with me since secondary 1 and this semester is by far the first time we've been apart for very the long.

This time has also been rather turbulent but perhaps for the better because we both learnt damn a lot. I discovered things about myself that I didn't know before through this process.

And I hope she buys me red-rock-deli chips. HAHAHAHAHA.

SHO I hope the stupid weather can quickly become better and end the delay, not because of hoping for my best bud can stop waiting at the airport like a goon and actually get access to some in-flight sky-high popular culture brain wash, BUT--

so that I can see her ASAP.

EESH. I eat too much corn.

I'm amused.

To top it all off.

This scene feels so familiar. The whole I'm stuck in the middle feeling only because I can't do anything right.

SIGHHH.

Mr. Sun.

The springtime brings out

The brightest green in things
And tiny sprouts push the soil from their way
Mr. Sun, please don't go away

'Cause the winter saddened all the flowers
And the oceans turned to gray
And the sky cried down for days and days
Mr. Sun, please don't go away

The birds and bees all sing happy things
As they fly into the sky
And lonely trees will grow families in their leaves
Mr. Sun, stay here won't you please

'Cause the winter saddened all the flowers
And the oceans turned to gray
And the sky cried down for days and days
Mr. Sun, please don't go away - Kina Grannis, Mr. Sun.

Better out than in. Lol. Happy. :)

I remember.

I remember that I told myself I will pursue what I want. If I don't get it, I won't have any regrets because I tried.

So what's holding me back?

Random.

How can everything be so random? LOL.

My take.

Dumb down your students and ensure existing power. Very 'smart' move.

Stuffed like a turkey.

Murni franchised. THERE IS A MURNI IN USJ NOW like 15 minutes away from Monash. I just had it! at a really ungodly hour (9.00pm). And the ikan pari damn awesomee. Omgosh. I can't think. Pari + Nasi goreng Chicken chop = My tummy is jumping with joy (Later jumping with agony, but I'll worry about it later).

But this also means I need to make more frequent trips to the park. :S lol.

I don't see how I can lose weight when there's so many good things to eat around Subang. Oh dear. I'll take the stairs to the 6th floor tomorrow.

Apart from Murni, these are alternatives.

1. Bawang Merah (SS12) is a Godsend, it's the only place that makes me go high on Kuih. Has THE best cuffypuffs IN THE WORLD (okay la, the best is in Melbourne, but not edible one teehee). So okay, the best edible currypuffs that I go gaga over on twitter comes from here. Opposite SJMC, not difficult to get there.

2. Melur (ss19) has the BEST roti canai ever. It's not elastic or thick. It's really like crispy on the outside, fluffed on the inside very light when you crave for something yummy when you are not hungry. People might not agree with me, but I feel it's truly worth trying.

Waking day.

Each waking day is another day I tell myself it's okay.

Bad.

I never wanted something so bad.
Bernini found it on the net.

Gave it to me. *Thankew pirate arr lol*.

And now I want it MORE.

ARGH.

Indie like anything in the world!

I hope Singapore has it.

Walking Advertisement.

With no offence to Monash Malaysia (and the fact that they're the ones making me 30 bucks richer by employing me as a student helper yesterday during the open day), I found it difficult to wholeheartedly promote 'journalism' as a major because of a pretty obvious lacking.

I was in charge of the Journalism Lab with another girl. We both feel the pride in arts, we were really keen to watch the gleaming eyes of the unsuspecting 'victim' of Freud and Foucault. LOL. There were a couple, which was good. BUT Of course, there's also a couple of kids who were skeptical about the Arts. They take a peek in the room and don't even step in to hear what we have to say. Some families who leave halfway during the session and well, is Arts really at the bottom of the heap? For those who weren't interested, we still promoted our cool subjects as an elective. Come try our subjects and die and see if you think it's 'easy'. nyehehe.

On my part, I thought it was difficult to promote something that someone had a vague idea on. So half way through everything I say seemed scripted and insincere or I run out of things to say... Bleah. I liked watching those kids go gawk excitedly at what we do though. And some parents who were impressed with what we learnt. There was one mother and another family who was very accommodating. Eee. Nice people DO exist!

But it was at lunch, when I randomly met a peer who suddenly brought up the topic about Gippsland, with a look almost close to 'dread' on his face, which I have to admit, I had before going to Gippsland. Munching my food half way I thought to myself. "omg what are you talking about! Gippsland is awesome!" and whatever I enthused after that literally gave me a body lift, if not my body at least the corners of my mouth. In a split second, I become a walking Gippy advertisement. Gippsland should pay me. :)

I miss Gippsland still. The long vline train rides and the scenery. Unlike the Melbourne city or Malaysia, I left Gippsland wondering when I will come back. Because of it so far off and once the people I've got to know has left, will I ever have a reason to return to the little cow country town of Churchill?

Dawning.

Those 20 minutes plus never seem to want to end. Today, it FINALLY dawned upon me.

Triple that.

imagine what you are doing now - just triple that... - YSG.


Omgeee.

World in front of me.

Feel this.

Go to http://www.myspace.com/kinagrannis

Other feel good songs.




Courtesy of Alex.



Yep, loop it to ease your nerves people.

I think

HOOOOKAY. I was INCREDIBLY chilled when people are stressed. It suddenly dawned upon me that I WILL BE PRESENTING IN FRONT OF

an anthropologist
a feminist
a literature critic
a film critic
a political scientist
no make it two, only difference is the second one is a professor.
and like a couple of others who are great in journalism, international studies.

It's not that I can't count I just don't want to. This is possibly the first hurdle, I consider my first hurdle, in Honours.

As you can tell, YES. I AM OVERSPILLING.

People get it. I don't get why I need to reiterate it all over again. People who know me well enough know inside this little bubble is not air. It's volatile and once it pops, something nasty creeps out. Which I find really disgusting sometimes. I'm either uptight and really occupied with my conscience. But when I loosen up, it seems like I lose my conscience.

I have a habit of randomly over-spilling because I don't express myself very well. It took me long enough to just eff the whole thing and just get out there and DO something instead of being stuck in that bubble which I'm comfortable in.

I really do miss that bubble. Right now, I'm just not being something I am.

At times, I feel like I'm being pushed to the corner. Only adjusting to that corner only adjusting because I'm forced to. I'm so bent on sucking everything in I can't find the right balance. There's going to be a point when I can't take the pressure, I make decisions I regret.

But it's too late now right to say things like that?

Hormones talking. I'm reconsidering this. I know I say even if this kills me I won't give up. Now I am thinking. "How did I end up here?" Did I take the getting-out-of-comfort-zone-agenda the wrong way? Or did I do this just to stay in my comfort zone because of my irrational fear of office politics. The irony.

But it's too late right? Wednesday is just 4 days away.

Don't know why I didn't come.

They say it's easier to like people you don't know.

Hope.

Hope is a waking dream - Aristotle.

Little Miss Whoops.

My blunders only get funnier.

For the first time.

For the first time today, I heard someone's life story and actually felt tears brimming in my eyes.

Such a strange and emotional day for us. Ugh.

*

When we we inebriated-

We talked about

1. the past.
2. the possibility of my current muse being gay. (lol)
3. more on the past.
4. moments of impulsion. Which for a split second I would've totally given into IF I HAD ACCESS TO FACEBOOK. (Technology sucks).
5. Independence and love.

Even if the course is only going to last for one year, it's pretty unforgettable.

My shoepig.

From this.




To this.



:)

Longest.

This has been the longest time (4days lol) I have not updated since starting honours. As you can tell, things have been rather unlucky for me lately. But I am blogging to say my unlucky spells are OVER.

I just need to be more alert and all these unlucky nonsense will go away.

It's difficult to have something lost or broken especially when it has sentimental value. I have a hard time letting things go until I'm in the station and something instinctively tells me 'no you're not going to find it back'. Which after my ordeal to Putrajaya and back, I am more and more accepting of it.

Things haven't been all that unlucky even. I had friends who followed me to the respective offices knowing

1. My hate for them gov offices/police stations.
2. My noob-ness with KL roads.

Just thinking about what was coming made me dread the week. But now that I have renewed/remade whatever that need to be recovered. I can finally move on in life.

What I lost isn't worth as much compared to what I had inside. :(

But after this, I realized I didn't need it as much.

And even if I can't get it back again, it wouldn't stop reminding me about the times I've spent collecting those things I lost.

Limbo.

Despite being slightly inebriated at Sid's today. I remember I was told.

"You people have the obligation to stay in Malaysia."

I said, I will if you become Prime Minister.

What's gonna happen after Honours? Feels like third year again.

Losing it. Lost.

Ok. It's not everything so don't mope. DON'T. I FORBID YOU SZE TO MOPE.

.
.
.

Okay, if i can brave the rain, I can also brave the lengthy journey back from Tokio. Tokio Hotel's front man is INCREDIBLy smexyE. Someone new to objectify. Good show. Good gig. Great showmanship. Local acts are improving. Tokio Hotel so much better live. Seriously left me wanting more. They encored and Sung Monsoon in German. SUCH A SEXYNAZI. Now I'm just being politically incorrect. LOL.

REALLY REALLY enjoyed the show. One of the best gigs I've been too so far.

Thanks again Minni for the tickets :)

Incompetence

I stared at that pair of eyes peering through those thick rims. Switching alternatively from the longsighted one to the short sighted one. Thrusting candid comments as you read through my bad grammar. LOL.

And I thought to myself, is this what you do for a living? You just jot down what you see with that pair of eyes, publish it into an article/book. You mark like ten thousand essays and teach ten thousand kids and ten thousand lectures and deal with ten thousand typo errors.

But you're only one person.

I can only shy away with my incompetence.

Honours.

I don't feel very Honourable now.

The never ending demand.

Karaoke anyone?

Sekian,

Nyek nyek nyek *gets smacked by Bernie, Paulista, Naya*

Do it.

So that I can turn back and look at myself and agree it's now or never.

Train of thought.

Hunger.

Go to school 7 days a week as opposed to drinking 'yumcha-ing' once a week. Typically have 2 solid meals (one often consist of recommendations by my partners in crime) and snacks in between because we can practically LIVE there. Maybe Dr Sony was right. We ARE running a cafeteria. Getting there at least. Dr. Yeoh awarded us as the hungriest bunch of Honour students. Well, he's right too. What else?

One's crushing under the work pressure. Two sick. Me developing some sort of diability where I'm unable to open my eyes for long. You know, if hunger was our bee-gest problem we wouldn't be like that.

But since we're talking about hunger.

I HAD THE BEST COOKIE EVER TODAY LIKE THE BEST ORAL/TUMMY ORGASM ONE CAN GET SORTA GOOD. IT IS SOOOOOO GOOD.

Random Google image - From Bangsar Village Grocer where we also got our Bundaberg's ;)

It's like an extended version of Cold Storage with actual expats shopping there. BUT LIKE COLD STORAGE THEY DO NOT HAVE RED ROCK DELI! Gyaaaaaa! *slash wrist*

Stop and Stare.

The next overly imaginative member of the male species who stares at what I (or you, if you want to be part of this little revolution/movement of sorts) wear will get flicked off. The problem is no female is brave enough to retaliate it makes it so that it is 'okay' to stare (I'm not acting on it yada yada yada). Let's get the point across. No, it is not. It's not right staring infringing on other people's privacy. People have gotten killed just because of staring incidents. If killing wasn't illegal, you would too.

The whole ogling eye shit from both men (and ironically some women omg why why why). Seriously are you that free? Don't you have other better things to do? You want me to swear off shorts and tank tops in this frikking sahara?

Apparently a stare isn't enough these days. I stare at them, they don't seem to look away instead we get embroiled in a silent staring game like there's no tomorrow. It takes damn alot of mind-boggling self control to walk-off okay and fuming for the next half an hour.

Damn you, Freud. Penis envy my ass.

Green.

Editing at 4am in the morn tend to be fruitless.

Anxieties aside.

It's a green day. Happy Earthday everyone. There's this wear green movement in conjunction with that. Quite LOL. I even brought my shrek ears to complete my look. LOL. And I really needed it coz my hair is all out of shape covers my face all the time it's annoying.

It's either shrek ears or a haircut.

I think this time round, I'll go with the ears.

Bah.

This is gonna hurt. So bad.

Food for thought.

Shopping is like paying for expensive multiple orgasms.

Is it easier?

If it's harder to live in reality. Would it be easier to live in a world of fantasy?

I doubt so.

30 waking hours.

I spent 30 waking hours (45 minute nap in between lol) pretty productive today. Alex came over to Uni for lunch. For people like us who are still part of Monash, we will prefer to distance ourselves from the cafeteria. I figured out certainly his arrival had something more that just to satisfy is Indomie + chicken thingys craving. He still went for it despite my warning. Funny stuff.

A year ago, it's pretty difficult to visualize how any of my partners in crime can be hardworking model citizens of Malaysia. Right now, it's actually happening. One of us is about to put on a nicely pressed collared shirt and slacks and submit himself to the capitalist world out there. Haha. It's not that bad lah. Betcha there's a bunch of hot chicks there.

And another friend, has walked on stage with a square hat! HAHA. ALVA! Congratulations. Long awaited ceremony lol. You musto love it. Haha. I bet you're damn happy you're bombarded with stuffed-toys and gifts. :) Even happier you got to sing K. ZOMGGGG. It was love right? Don't deny. Inseparable from that phallic object with a sponge at the other end.

I woke up. at 12.30. I slept for 13 hours in total. Damn thankful I didn't sleep while driving back. Gyahh.

SIGS

I suddenly feel immense pride in my School. After all, it was once upon a time huge back in the day. Zainah Anwar, of Sisters-in-Islam, one of the leaders of the progressive feminist Islamic movement, is from SIGS.

I have only faced an open racist taunt once from a teacher throughout 5 years I've spent there, with a blank shocked look I stared, the teacher responded "I am only stating the fact". Saleha was her name, a total contradiction to that veil she was wearing.

We bitched among ourselves, never brought it up to the big people. Thought it was going to get me expelled. Wasn't much of a rebel as I thought I was. Until today, I cannot forget how the anger boiled in me having to sit at the same table as her. And when she left, I blew.

I have faced numerous other 'race' based bias in respect to the co-curriculum sector. Red tapes and permission issues. Even if I wasn't the one directly dealing with the teacher, this was one of the demotivating factor that makes me regret to even want to be part of something.

Racism even existed between those who were teaching. What kind of students are they going to mould if they are so bent on reinstating the wrong discourse?

Once upon a time, this didn't exist. This is the reason SIGS's 'hugeness' was once upon a time.

I hope they try hard enough to get it back.

Hatemail to Insecurity.

HEY YOU'RE A MONSTER!