Rectify.

alexyeo says:
yup
rmb
u still got time to rectify watever regrets u might have in the future
u dont want that day to come
so start

A blessing.

It's not that hard to see.

Timeless.

Back in the day when I was into a language I could barely understand and elaborate live performances to download. I still love this song.

Ingest.

Things I've been putting off since forever.

Omgosh help me.

Sanity.

It has been a week. A week with enough bombshells to make me Nagasaki. Thank you, bomb shelter.

With all that has happened, the shock, the tears, and the lessons, I can't help but feel blessed that I was able to live through this. And one week on, we still miss him. But to know that he would be laid to rest is comforting. Even more so, that he's being laid to rest on this same land I currently step on.

The whole idea of death and how vulnerable the living is still scares me but it's one lesson that I'll never forget. Ben, you left in style. Thank you. We'll never forget you.

I spoke to a Karina on the phone yesterday had an awesome laugh. I don't remember the last time we spoke on the phone for that long la. I may not be there with you right now, but I'm there in spirit. Ok? Alex, apparently Melbourne misses us. A little shout out to everybody we loved in Melbie. Alo!

Looking back at what happened after Chiang Mai is still bizarre. But what can I say? I still can't rationalize a whole lot of other things that happened before Chiang Mai.

Conducted a tutorial last Friday. Reminded me of a particular tutorial I had with Ben on a Friday when I was in first year.

Thank You.

Thank you for all the lessons in class and of life and all you gave.

Thank you for ushering love into my life.

Thank you for the Short film that I've been bugging you for.

Thank you for this one last lesson you taught us about how short life is now that you're gone. But memories of you will be immortalized in time.

Though it's too late for me to thank you in person, I think you know.

I will comfort myself. I know that you're in a better place.

We love you Ben. You will be missed.

End.

Semester one is down, semester two is staring at my face. I'm currently sitting down chilling with my parents in a hotel room they are spending the night in. I think since Karina's arrival at KL and Chiang Mai, this has been the only time I got to sit down to rest and stone. Been busy busy busy, rushing, hanging out, juggling work. It's all good times I want to remember.

Of course, I won't get to do this for long, because there are things to do. Uni starts tomorrow at 9am. Workload is doubling in front of my eyes. Commitments as well.

But I know these are things I WANT to commit myself to. Whether it's Honours or the possibility of messing up as a tutor, or that special someone I hope I won't neglect. These commitments are choices I made, as well as promises. I'd do my best to finish what has begun.

Perhaps I've been too accustomed what we had in Chiang Mai. I was unsure of what to expect at first, could it be a summer fling? or would feelings change once the Chiang Mai heat stops messing with our judgments? Though In search of Chiangmai may be over, but I'm glad to know that some things don't really end even when it's over. Among the other things I found in Chiang Mai, I'm glad I found you. I still don't know how it happened but I've never been happier.

*

I'm finally Home. You know what I mean.

Cheers to Cheesiness!

MSN

MSN doesn't do me justice. Seven Chat boxes with my mother beside me can only equal to mental chaos.

Stars shining right above me.

Dreamt a little dream of us.

So.

The Streets were Rowdy! And the octopus was correct. Somehow, the streets that night reminded me of Melbourne during one of those hot-spells. It has been eventful. :) For more, please check (shameless advertising here lol) THIS.

Chiang Mai, this quaint little city up north of Thailand yet so rich with culture, has a special place in my heart.

Interpretations.

Spreading wongfu love.

*

Excited. Chiangmai in 8 hours. I hope I get a window seat. =)

I don't need an elaborate ruse.

To pay attention to things. Despite having a really short attention span. :)

What I hear no one else has to know.

I haven't been having exactly the easiest time of my life, but I have had people help me lighten up my burden.

I know parting is inevitable. And having to part after High School is even harder to maintain. I know presence is important, but online one can never really know. It gets harder and harder to maintain a conversation over the years with late replies and cracking our minds for topics and different thoughts and opinions change in general because we've all moved on to different phases in life. I think I made someone very upset last night. I can only hope it's not for too long.

It's been a decade. Definitely didn't feel like one. I'll see you people back home.

The car park song.

I've seen.

Theee claawwww - My best purchase from Singapore.

People around me fall in and out of relationships. Those who don't, remain in a rocky one or hold on to hope to be part of a relationship that never really became. I used to wonder why don't they see themselves deserving someone better? I used to think people are to just jump into a relationship for all the wrong reasons were silly for doing so. But even so, who is to say the reason is right or wrong?

I now know you cannot rationalize it this way. Feelings can be there. It's only worrisome that sometimes they don't last long enough. When they don't, things fall apart and slowly (but surely) people learn, rebuild their lives, stand up on their feet again until the next one comes by and the cycle of uncertainty continues.

Most people are strong enough to live through this learning cycle.

I still can't picture myself going through something like this, but maybe in time I will.

I feel young today.

Reggae.

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again. - Katy Perry.


I've been to Petaling Street area for the first time in my life. And I wonder, why no one brought me here before. This is me, and the midnight dodginess of Kuala Lumpur. It's quite a social experience. It's not as dodgy as I thought. Anywhere's good with good company.

The house is empty.

Food for thought: A house is not a home. Home is not always in a house.

Scars and Tattoos.

"TRAUMA , MEMORY AND TRANSFORMATION:
THE MALAYSIAN AND SOUTHEAST ASIAN EXPERIENCE
Monash Sunway Campus - 22-24th June 2010. - DAY 2"

Generally in all histories in South East Asia, traumas are sanitized in invented histories was very intriguing. However, it can be said that these traumas it should be out in the open to remind the young the painful process of Nation building. Just as trauma can be 'scars', trauma can also be treated like a 'tattoo'. - Not in the exact words, however but this is what I got from Farish Noor's talk this morning about 'history'. Even if both lasts forever in every sense of the word, one is seen with regret, the other is accepted as part of life which one lives and moves on. Whether a from a macro standpoint of a nation's history formed through collective memory, or a more micro notion of 'the-self', trauma ideally should be the latter. Or so I wish to turn my scars into tattoos.

side note.

Trauma Conference Day 2 ended with a lot of fangirliness.

Trauma

"TRAUMA , MEMORY AND TRANSFORMATION:
THE MALAYSIAN AND SOUTHEAST ASIAN EXPERIENCE
Monash Sunway Campus - 22-24th June 2010. - DAY 1"

I feel strangely inadequate right now. Oh so many people flashing in front of me induced some psuedo-claustrophobic attack. EESH. But I generally felt today's session was productive.

One mentioned Susan Sontag's theory against interpretation - I miss COM3055. The course as a whole was awesome.

But heres some food for thought.

One session that got me thinking is the one about Acheh where two presenters talks about the dealings with trauma. Where the politics of erasure vs the spiritual Healing of trauma in relation to collective memory (a more macro sense with this term). All in all, I think we all agree that some trauma cannot be expressed in words. Very emotive, very dependent on the human conscious-unconscious. Hence, one of the things these professors + academics argue is that trauma can be described through other forms of art like visual arts, film, music, fiction and etc that may allow the unconscious to seep out.

Personally, I've not dealt with 'trauma' that's as severe as what was discussed today (war, history, natural disaster). I've lost my Wira in 2008, I had to deal with heck alot of drama at Melbourne, I look back and I think: These memories of discontent I deal with it by displacing it on someone or something else.

This must also be why I write Fanfictions.

*

Side note.

I'm never going to buy a second-hand cellphone ever again. I'm fed up. Got fking cheated.

Looking for a safer place to hide.

It's about time I stopped.

Every year I promise myself to be 'true-er' to myself but... there's always a but.

Between pleasing other people and working to gain acceptance, is me and my irrational fear of rejection. I can't rationalize my obsession of being accepted. But truth be told, where I am now. I think I found solace in certain people who will never put me in limbo between acceptance and rejection. I think acceptance doesn't matter as much anymore.

The point is: People are so fluid and fragmented, we get overwhelmed by the different characters, emotions, discourses and opinions. You can't work yourself to please everyone. It's impossible even if you did it at your own expense.

And this part I hate, is choice. Who to please when you're stuck between two?

UGH.