Not that kind of girl.

A very long time ago, someone called me a doormat. The kind you trample on after you're done with shower, pee-pee, poo-poo and what not. I haven't spoken to that person since eternity but it still bothers me till this day. Surprise, surprise, Szejia knows how to bear a grudge. (only do when I get personal attacks like this)

I would like to think of myself as an unconventional person, a closet non-conformist performing random acts of rebellion through subtle behaviours, acts and speech-In other words, this is me justifying me and my dirty-talk ;). One may find understanding me to the most purest form as a person that I am is not difficult at all.

I get a tacit agreement from all of you, I know.

I rarely keep emotional ramblings (whether happy or sad) on my blog. Normally, I only express it in a word or a sentence keeping details to myself. I assume people would never be able to decode it but since people who are close to me know I am that kind of person who can be read like a book, it's just a matter of wanting to read me or not. I try to conceal things, it comes out anyway because concealing things about myself is not something I was never good at.

And yet, unleashing my innermost thoughts injected into conversations through my sheer wit (self praise is no praise lol) and probably my very very lame brand of humour, I feel that I risked being constantly judged by what I say or do. This judgement, makes it a lot harder for me to socialize with my own persona. The fact that what I say doesn't jive into the boundaries of what I'm expected say allows people to sees me as a deviant, an 'other'. How much effort I put to try to be human is the same amount of effort I put in to carry out an act, to conform. Which I eventually get tired of and it goes poof and then I'm all exposed again.

I feel I'm constantly switching roles from one to another.

At times, I wonder if I sacrifice 'too much' in the name of humour. One of the things most humourous people find hard to deal with is the fact that they will not be taken seriously and its one of those situations that I find myself in once in a while.

Perhaps the constant snide remarks that was put across the discussion table proves the irony of the fact that that person who once labeled me that dreaded D word might actually be right. I hear alarms blaring red lights blinking. Say what? Something must be done.

I'm happy, don't misunderstand. I don't think there's anything significant other than an upcoming PMS that triggered this aching need to write this. There's only this much a person can take. I just wonder how long I can continue.

Perhaps there are other reasons to it that I can't pin point.

Perhaps there's something I can't face, something I feel that the way I am being treated is caused by with my way of interaction, non-gender conforming what not. It's my dirty talk. T.T I know it.

But still you can't deny. My talk is funny. ;P And BTW, i have just incorporated my sociology and com theories into this post. Brilliant.

OK. First exam in Aus tomorrow. Bless my soul.