Sunday, August 15, 2010

The book of face.

Like wow.

I was surfing fb compulsively like I always do when I have work to do and I wished I hadn't because a) work is not done, b) you find out the darnest things on the Book of Face. At the homepage, where we get to see feeds and what not, I saw an update of a classmate, whom I am not friends with on fb, through congratulatory comments written by schoolmates who I am connected to. Normally once you have like more than 3 friends that comments/'likes' this status of someone you're not connected with, FB still shows it on your homepage anyway. Quite scary if you think of it this way. Dodgy.

But anyway, her update went - "I'm Pregnant, OMG! blabla etc" along the lines of thanking God.

First thing that came through my mind was, 'Was it out of wed lock?' And no, I'm not being mean, I just didn't know (but i found the next 2 minutes later) that she was actually already married for a while.

I k-po-ed through the comments. (28 comments and counting, 15 likes) First of all, it seemed like it's true, she really was pregnant and damn happy about it. And second of all, it didn't seem like it's out of wedlock. (Yes, i went to her profile page and saw her relationship status).

And I thought to myself, "What? She's married?!" Of course she wasn't the first of my peers that I know who are married or mothers really. There has been a couple of them. I don't know looking at us all 4 years back, I wonder how years after our delinquent days (not this particular friend. She was a prefect and a pretty friendly one at that. Don't remember getting trouble with her. She was nothing else but nice.) and that the possibility of us being mothers and bearers-of-the-nation and nurturers of a new generation and all that constructed social humbug that are imposed on women.

But still, I don't see myself at that age where I have peers flashing their 'married' (or pregnant) statuses on facebook. I'm not very old, the last I recall. In fact, I'm damn young. Too damn young to be a mother. I've only started dating. Handling a family of my own is the last thing on my mind. Or going through 9 months of bloating, hormonal imbalances and childbirth and what not and later nappy changing...

Wow. It's a big responsibility. HUGE I tell you. I don't see myself wanting to handle that when there is so many things in life that I haven't gone through, so many things I haven't seen. The last thing I want is a baby to tie me down. Just thinking like that makes me a bad woman, no?

The feminist in me say I should aspire to do more in life instead of making babies, hence the Honours and hopefully a decent pay cheque that accompanies it. Of course occasionally I would mentally gush at the thought of how I could go through 9 months of pregnancy instead of grueling 9 months of writing a thesis. BUT that's strictly partly because through the process of writing a thesis can make you feel like that.

OR do I subconsciously want to be a stay-home mum and conform to this tyranny of nurturing and all that fetch kid to school fetch him back, cook, clean, do homework, yell, get messy hair, age a bit, displace discontent of husband's depleting affection by focusing on children?

It's pretty conflicting when it comes to this. I used to be the little girl who thought of marriage as an the epitome of happiness in life (Thank you so much, you anglocentric racist brainwashing Disney) but despite being at a marriagable age now, I don't know what to think. I am surprised by my own reaction towards this.

I am wavering between 'omigosh poor girl missing out on so much' and a wholehearted 'congratulations!' immediately after seeing it, which became more like 'Hah~'. But for all I know, she may be the happiest woman alive right now while I lead my life of a pseudo-feminist 'apparently' emancipating myself from male domination but still live in the world where sexism and patriachy exists in my consciousness. I'm trapped in the big box as they say. A big fking unpenetrable box.

I was rambling about this to my classmates there are stories.

One of them just recently got back from a wedding and the bride is 20 years old. Another friend of hers who got married in Sem 1 is currently already pregnant, and not-so-happily ever after, another got married after highschool had a baby and is now going through a divorce.

So one of them commented (after i admited to mental gushing) "I'd rather do honours, man! Honours is only until October. A baby is for the rest of your fking life."

I stare at the empty comment box. Do I congratulater her?

She has 31 comments now.

Though, I cannot imagine myself in her position right now, do I subconsciously envision myself as her someday?

And I'm back to work.