See me.

See me beyond my misery.
See me beyond my flaws.
See me as this person who seems free.
But this person actually falls.

I don't think I'm hard to handle although there are times I become hard on myself. GAH. Homesick. X(

Definite

I sympathize with the very people that construct my beliefs when they suddenly become the ones that make me doubt them.

So what did you indulge in today?

Everyone has an unhealthy indulgence. While some find comfort in Chocolate, Chips, Ice Cream, and alcohol, others indulge in watching watching scale needles tip, that big bulge, that big pimple, that flat chest, that scar, those we need to cover what then do we expose?, compulsions to stare at the naked body, overkill, skyrocketing points, collapsed opponents, love, hate, loving a person who will never love us back, morbidity, work, perfection, guilt, failure, the past, hurt... no matter what people say, we indulge. We damage ourselves in some way. We don't stop. We like to do it because, no matter how unhealthy it is, we get a feeling of going against something that is already set out for us. It's satisfying. And to negate its existence, would mean a loss of compulsion to do SOMETHING, something you do best in the un-best. We lose that emotional catharsis. We lose the satisfaction. To neglect 'something' that we essentially should not. It's how we are. It reminds us we are human. It reminds us the very core of how human we are and how fucking uncontrollable these urges are but yet, we get the illusion that we are in control because we CAN refuse to control ourselves. We CAN allow ourselves to lose control. It's the only thing within our controls anyway.

So what did you indulge in today?

Jim Morrison.

To Crack.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpOTNKHvISM

And to reflect.

Clickkk to go to my pseudo Singaporean life bible----> A heart that hurts is a heart that works

Unagi.

:)


*

Hurricane

“i wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. not fuck, like in those movies. not even have sex. just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. but i lacked the courage, and she has a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and i was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. so i walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, i was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

- john green, looking for alaska

I just had to put this up when I saw it on Perfect 10's Rozz's blog. Couldn't sleep. And now after seeing this I'm even more awake.

OH SO SWEET I just wanna die. *nerdmetaphoricalmindphuck*

*

People say, heartbreak is when love is not love anymore. I believe heartbreak is until love is found again. Of course, if this is yet another test of my belief, I am keen to see how long it stands. If I live long enough to give a testament, I will.

I truly truly am lucky. Therefore I thank. I know I said I didn't before, but maybe now, I believe in this thing called fate, though not to the purest sense. I sit on the fence. How irrational. But I like.

Salam Merdeka.

Dear Malaysia,

I thought about you a lot when I was away.
I thought about what you offered and what you had that I didn't at where I stood.
I stood at dark cobalt stone alleys dipping my boot into dew.
The chill engulfed me with the wind and yet the sun was shining.
I hopped off from tram to tram.
I rushed from train to train.
This life was one I technically could live with.
With facilities to make sure my comfort,
and meals to make sure I would eat.
But what was there that made me feel incomplete?

I love you too much to watch you crumble.
I wished I loved you enough to hold you so you wouldn't.
Would I be too docile to conform?
Or would I be too antagonistic to react?
Would I be too selfish to wait for someone else to keep you intact?
How should I declare my love for you?
However I do it others won't approve.

And like unrequited love, here I am. Living in limbo of the worst kind.

With Love,

Your Citizen.

Happy Birthday.

Docile.

It's not about what you want but it's about what you need.

I sat at the cafeteria pondering back and forth as my friends animatedly debated about this question:

Is love a need or a want?

Surely this question has been the food for many chic lits available in MPH.

Being in a rather awkward situation I was in, leaning against my bomb shelter, his hand in mine, when they were talking about it. We watched.

On the left hand corner, she harped about how one person could not live without food or water, and if love was a need one would die, literally, if he did not have it. Hence, love was a want. Something to have that would make a day feel complete but without it, you would not be any less complete. Technically it's possible to live on your own. You can eat on your own, you can sleep on your own, and you can even literally fuck on your own. One would not die without love.

However, the other argued from a more metaphorical sense in a way death was seen as a life not worth living. A life without love is one filled with sadness and lesser meaning. How can anyone live without love?

I argued there isn't necessarily love in a marriage pointing out arranged marriages and such, however, one interjected. 'Love and marriage is two different things.' One doesn't necessarily lead to another.

The debate was long but these were the main premises of their arguments. Being in a position where I'm in, I think this question is difficult to answer.

There were times I would've loved to have love. Times when I felt my life was incomplete that it no longer was a want but a need. How I thought how perfect my life would be just to have someone to depend on when times were hard. And at that time, perhaps, emotionally it was. And as much as I hate to admit it, this reason for so-called 'love' was a very selfish one.

Fast forward in time, presently. Now that you have it, you fear of losing it. And like how at that time I couldn't picture myself how it would be like actually being with somebody, my thoughts could never go beyond saying 'I like you too', I cannot picture myself having to live my life without that special person around anymore.

But in both situations, love doesn't only lie in a person or romance you desire. There you are in a foreign place thinking you need love when you were actually living pretty comfortably comparatively to other migrants, love was actually already there because love comes in many forms. Friends for support, family to ramble to. These are the people you connect with.

Even so, having felt different kinds of love... this is probably one questions I cannot answer.

Love encapsulates too many things which is why it is so hard to define.

The remains of the day.

Like the book,

to move on with the little left of my life after my decision to pursue when it had already been too late is

harder than

to move on with decades of my life knowing at least I tried.

I have funky grammar so sue me.

Yeh. Next up, Murakami.

Dogs.

Dogs are funny.

They lick their nose and they even lick their butt.

They lick their bodies and can't stop if they start.


Puppies are cute when they don't bite.

But once they become dogs,

they learn to fight.


Dogs bite shoes.

So they're often kept away.

Dogs can find another chew toy anyway. ;)


Some dogs are living in packs

and some dogs live on their own.

Some dogs live in a nice cozy home.


But some feel locked up in a cage

With no master to hold.

While some are set free, abandoned and thrown.


There are happy dogs,

and dogs that don't feel.

Lucky ones and those who will never know if their emptiness will be filled.



Good for those that are spoilt by a good master.

Good for those with food, family and a home.

Praise those in the wild who survive another day on their own.


The rule of nature was never complicated.

To live is to have the will to live.

and even more will to not let your life be wasted.



Its simple.


Dogs are so funny.

Dogs are what we need to think about

When we are sad and whiny. =) - Sze.

Honours year making me feel very literary. But this is so third grade. =.= Never mind. Not shy about my third grade brain.

To focus list:

Finish presentation by today.
Start bibliography tomorrow.
Critical review finish by Sunday before Family comes.

To do list.

Bring family to Kayu on Monday.
Shop for graduation outfit soon.

To buy list.

Cotton Bud.
Petrol.

MOOAN.

I don't wanna wait.

I don't want to wait
For our lives to be over
I want to know right now
What will it be
I don't want to wait
For our lives to be over
Will it be yes or will it be
Sorry- Paula Cole

So, my cousin asks...

sze kai says:
are u at class
how is your assignment?

Gnaww. How thoughtful. :)

.
.
.
.

I hope he never finds out, the one who's been nagging at him to do his work and taught him spelling, the one's who's been reprimanding him for being a naughty brat when he whines about body pains/flu to skip school, skipped class to finish unfinished business and get marks deducted for submitting late.

Now, how do I respond?

SALVADOR DALI.

My favourite part of the Dali's exhibition.

Destino - Disney/Salvador Dalì en Yahoo! Video

Cleverly twined with his art, Dali works with Walt Disney to come up with this short that is a series of the artworks he produced. Fusing Freud's psychoanalysis with other philosophies of sciences, the drawings (plus photos and gems) he produces are really really one of the kind.

I'm not an art critic. But as you walk through the Melbourne Gallery seeing paintings arranged from 1920's to the 1950's. It gets better and better.

:)

I feel oddly inspired these few days.

Things are clearer to me now than ever before.

I finally know how it's like to let go of things that are beyond my control. Simply because, it's not the worst thing that can ever happen to me. At the end of the day, I'm not all alone after all.

Like the exhibition, it's just the things I choose to see.

My favourite work of art.

In a lazy slumber.

Your looks so laughable
Unphotographable,
Yet you're my favourite work of art :) - Sinatra

Transformers: Winter Sonata.

Starring

Optimus Prime.

And Bumblebee.

Prologue.

Fear of rejection can screw up your life. That’s why one sided love should remain that way.

Now that the was between the Decepticons and Autobots was over, Optimus had one more agenda left in mind.

And what confusion in his thoughts, and what a thumping in his temples. Slowly from the writhing, tearing mass in his mind a resolve shaped itself.

With his head resting against his Metallic palm, he told himself. This is it. No one was going to stop him.

_______________

It was at a dogdy Indian Cafe, where Optimus finally managed to be honest about his feelings.



Optimus: You've been there for me every step of the way.
Bumblebee: "You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky..."
Optimus: I really appreciate every battle. You helped me every time Megatron's being a bitch.
Bumblebee: Im a bitch. Im a lover. Im a child. Im a mother. Im a sinner. Im a saint. I do not feel ashamed...
Optimus: Well what i mean is. (long pause) We should date.
Bumblebee: !
Optimus: Are you free tomorrow night?
Bumblebee: "Said yes to your number And yes to you dating me Yes we can be together"
Optimus: You really mean it?
Bumblebee: "Yeah (yeah) Shorty got down to come and get me " ;)



While other couples were absorbed with their iPhones, Optimus and Bumblebee shared their love for music without an Ipod (only because Bumble has an extensive playlist to communicate with people) . Like all couples, they had their ups and downs.

They cuddled.

Optimus: You wanna talk about it?
Bumblebee: "Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace..."

They watched footy together.



They helped each other out.

Bumblebee: "Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help."
Alex Yeo: Muahahaha.
Optimus: OY! LET HIM GO!

Alex Yeo: *angree*
Optimus: OUFFF! Shit.
Bumblebee: ...


They fought.


Optimus: So what's with you and Jazz? I saw what you two did!
Bumblebee: "I've been thinking about you, my love
And all the crazy things that you put me through
Now I'm coming around, Throwing it back to you"
Optimus: What?"
Bumblebee: "Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel"
Optimus: Quit your mind games! Stop throwing poetic lyrics at me!
Bumblebee: "I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy"
Optimus: Gargh!

Of which, they eventually make up

And have a very adventurous sex life...



Bumblebee: "Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire~"



Bumblebee: "Youuuuu
Your sex is on fire~

And like all fairy tales and most fanfictions, they lived happily ever after.

Kings.

His knight stands tall. His pawn moves forward cautious with every step taken, he thought he knew the pieces he was dealing with.

For years and years the bishop said never forget all the lives at hand. Only a noble King will do his best to leave them spared. Lies.

Knights, Bishops, Rooks, pawns, move strategically in unified motion on the game-board fighting for his survival. It is the Queen who is the strongest- Such Irony- who is able to protect the king and his allies. And as the battle go, one by one they begin to fall. When the queen collapses, it gets worse.

Two Knights is all he has. Several pawns. The loss of his knight and rooks render him defenseless.

The King moves a step at a time every time he is checked. With every such restricted mobility, comes a violent spectacle of another life slayed.

The King continues to live. What mistake can he make?

If Kings were truly noble, there will be no reason to carry on. Kings hide behind a facade of blue blood and expensive frocks. Inside he is weak, defenseless and inferior. Without his Queen and his allies, he is nothing more than human.

When all is gone, blame this king. A kingdom lost. An entire nation under siege. Too late.

Checkmate.

A horny cow on TV

I am done with my proposal. I have one more urgent assignment due 5 hours ago and yet, I feel no urgency sitting here with a sudden moment of epiphany looking into the future 10 years from now.

ZM might just get lucky and get together with the buff kuai lou she always wanted, MY will be in a random country taking pictures of her random shadow (haha), A,B will start balding, S and K will be married with heaps of kids, and Sonia's sister's baby, Sarah (who was born today *omgsquish*) is will be 10.

I walk down Burke Street looking for something to buy and I have a feeling it's going to be shoes. I come over for a game at the Bowling Bar at QV with friends I know from work. I down some VB and start having trouble aiming straight. I take a few steps back to check the score board, chuckling feeling amused with my score. Feeling pleasantly inebriated by now, I go back to my seat. Somebody hands me another VB which I reject.

A friend will then ask me, "Did you see the horny cow on TV yesterday?"

"No, did you?"

She giggles for a while.

The phone rings and I answer.

"Yep?"

"What time will you be back?"

"Around ten?"

"It's already 9.30."

"Did you see a horny cow on TV yesterday?"

"Noi, did you?"


What I end up doing is always a matter of conscience. In ten years time maybe I'll know how to stop.

Ok back to work.