In harshness we develop.

See me.

See me beyond my misery.
See me beyond my flaws.
See me as this person who seems free.
But this person actually falls.

I don't think I'm hard to handle although there are times I become hard on myself. GAH. Homesick. X(

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Constantly finding that one thing that I'm so passionate about I'll ache to get there. And when I do get there, the pains will be worth it.

I love.

Do people always turn out to be a hopeless romantic or a complete non-believer?

Growing Balls of Steel.

It's ironic how I take Honours to work in Singapore but upon finishing it, I decided to stay put. Though I may be young and unsure of myself possibly even foolish, I believe I'll get there. It's not that I don't want to move but it's more like I believe it would be a little more practical for now to stay put.

But coming from Johor, I've already 'moved' to KL and later Melbourne and I know what it's like. I've yet to see how my home is. Even though I've spent two years in Kuala Lumpur, I've never ventured out the fringes of Subang and Damansara. This year had been a year of discovering what home had to offer. And there's just so much that other places can't.

Maybe my ideals will kill me. But I'll be patient. I believe migration should be a personal choice. I'm just too much of a home-person to venture out. It feels like coffee induced palpitations.

After Honours, NO MORE STARBUCKS.

Deadline extended. Tiyou.

Leaving

I'm running out. Doing my shit somewhere else. Neighbours above me seriously horribly insensitive with the amount of noise they make.

And I can't wait to move out!

Definite

I sympathize with the very people that construct my beliefs when they suddenly become the ones that make me doubt them.

Knife.

I actually feel quite bad for knife.

6 days.

isze

i foresee an impending quarter life crisis

DAWG.

QOOOOOOOO. ARGH. SHO CUTE. I WANT A DOGGIE.

Source: From Google.

Hari Raya Haji

I understand the significance of this day is similar to thanksgiving. People slaughter cows and give them as food to the poor. The same way families take a break from their daily routines to gather for this purpose.

As a child, I used to cycle past random cows and goats tied to ropes within the confines of the neighborhood mosque. Grazing on grass one day, probably oblivious of what they are about to face. I've never seen the ceremony or the process of the slaughter but I can faintly remember my parents drove through the mosque once and I saw like a glimpse of what was happening. About 4 or 5 (maybe more) men is needed to hold the cow. And there'll be another dude with the knife-y thing. There was struggle, there was sweat, there was blood, there were sounds.

Cruel. You'd say. But that's not the point.

The very reason why we are alive now is because many lives ended. Some certainly ended in this manner.

Dramaqueen.

Every man has a right to risk his own life for the preservation of it. ~ Rousseau

I was told I can be quite a drama queen. I think I should seriously take up script writing to channel my lavish imagination into something else. Mehh. :D

Post-Honours plans.

1. KL - On the night of submission, Bangsar + Beer 7pm to 7am. I presume I will be the first one to get knocked out so it's fine.
   
2. Home, for the fun of it. YAYYYY~ Kacau cousins. LOL.
   
3. Ikea, for the fun of it.
   
4. Penang/Melaka/Langkawi.
   
5. DAVID GUETTA IN FLESH. HOLYOMGFGZOMGARGHHHHH - ZOUK OUT @ SENTOSA.
6. Korean Drama Marathon - Haven't collected titles yet, but it would be good to finish off what I have started watching halfway through honours. The new Hyunjoong one. Rewatch You're beautiful. Maybe ask Fikri for good Korean drama's to watch.
   
7. Family Guy Marathon - The pirate will steal.
   
8. Try to find joy in reading after honours. Read the novels that I bought ten thousand years ago.
   
9. Cycling/Swimming.
10. Whip up a couple of dishes later in new kitchen.
    
11. Work - part-time work while going for Job interviews.
12. Pack room. Unpack LATER IN JANUARYYYY YAY.
13. Sleep.
14. Eat.
    
15. Poop.

Ok. Done. Fun. I can't waittttt.

Ok, back to editing.

Superficial.

I am a firm believer that being superficial is what Erving Goffman calls, Stigma Management.

What is there to hide?

Have a Cuppa.

A love content, quiet, still in its constancy and that says to itself: "Here beside me is the man I love, in a world entirely his own, vast, expansive, rich". - Farish Noor.

*

4 months.

Besame Muchooo

To people I love.

In pursuit of different aims in life. Different fields and interests but one motive in common: the future. Though we are apart, we dealt with distance knowing that we would meet up again someday. For eons I thought of going back to Melbourne: put it simple a good stressful getaway. I thought: I don't want to study and nobody would possibly employ me. Then I thought of how I would adapt, and I thought some more about how I would live, thought even longer how I would part.

Gippsland is not boring.

The first one to graduate.

The graduate's kick-ass uncle.

A year with best friend.

Unhealthy indulgence.


Equally unhealthy.

My canadian tutor I had a crush on.

Second most unhealthy indulgence.

Now that I different aim, I think again. Because to me I know this aim would take more than just my emotional investment to achieve. It takes a lot of balls too.

Perhaps the way I romanticize my final year in Melbourne disallows for closure. I know someday I want to return, it's just that: I wouldn't know what for.


*

People say I'm far-sighted. But the thickness of my glasses says otherwise =D

Sentimental fool.

Because I don't replace the things I love.

time flies.

Time flies like a bitch.

Proximity and expectation.

Go fly kite.

I haven't forgotten what you taught me, Dad.

So what did you indulge in today?

Everyone has an unhealthy indulgence. While some find comfort in Chocolate, Chips, Ice Cream, and alcohol, others indulge in watching watching scale needles tip, that big bulge, that big pimple, that flat chest, that scar, those we need to cover what then do we expose?, compulsions to stare at the naked body, overkill, skyrocketing points, collapsed opponents, love, hate, loving a person who will never love us back, morbidity, work, perfection, guilt, failure, the past, hurt... no matter what people say, we indulge. We damage ourselves in some way. We don't stop. We like to do it because, no matter how unhealthy it is, we get a feeling of going against something that is already set out for us. It's satisfying. And to negate its existence, would mean a loss of compulsion to do SOMETHING, something you do best in the un-best. We lose that emotional catharsis. We lose the satisfaction. To neglect 'something' that we essentially should not. It's how we are. It reminds us we are human. It reminds us the very core of how human we are and how fucking uncontrollable these urges are but yet, we get the illusion that we are in control because we CAN refuse to control ourselves. We CAN allow ourselves to lose control. It's the only thing within our controls anyway.

So what did you indulge in today?

I'm just waiting

I'm just waiting for that day when one of them comes up to me and say. "SZE JIAA! I'm together with him!" I don't know which one will come up to me first though.

*grows beard*

Anyway, I've been blogging excessively now. And you can tell when I blog excessively it means I have work to do and blogging is the only way I get a break so yeah. I don't how this month is going to work out but I know eventually it will. *fingers crossed* Being detained under house arrest is not funny ah!!!

I need to see the sun.

Ikea Meatballs after this. I MUSTO. Omnomnoms. Been on a diet of bread, nestum and maggi. I am going to treat myself :D YAYNESS.

Suddenly.

Suddenly
Life has new meaning to me
There's beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up and suddenly you're in love
-Billy Ocean.

Homeward bound.

Someone's coming homeward boundddd! YAY-ness.

How in the world did two sems just passed by like that. LOL. A bit regretful for not finishing up earlier, drats. BUT WILL MAKE TIME. Hoit! Peace out!

:)

Harloweenn.

c

zomg shanwee teehee - Taken from P10 Rosalyn's blog.

On Halloween (sunday)... I came back at 8am in the morning. Not from a party, but from a pretty intensed production project (with quite a halloween feel considering we stayed till it was dark at the 3rd level of Imbi Plaza carpark) called the 48-Hour film project. It means, you've got to plan & shoot & edit the shortfilm (7 minutes max) and include certain items as props (our team was a Golf Ball) and a character name (Danisha Mamat) and genre (Silent Film) which were all given at our starting time, 7pm Friday. I'm not a very visual person to come up with how these 7 minutes will look like, but boy did the group have theirs.

Met good people of Malaysia. Exchanged pretty interesting conversations. Spoken to a couple of other strangers while looking for the shoot location. I hate how every road in KL is one-way street and alleys are hard to find. I remember before this I was wondering lamenting to myself how art is impractical. I dread impracticality and dealing with impractical people because I've been brought up to do things the most practical way possible.

BUT

I guess after seeing the process of making this, art is supposed to be impractical. To some extent, it's true. Will never see a film/tv production the same anymore.

Definitely wanna have a belated Halloween-ish party after Honours.

Minor bouts of tears and verbal diarrhea streaming in. Yes.

But 29 more days of Hanging.

And its the end of the semester.

Doubt and worry kicks in.

The most beautiful things are those that madness prompts and reason writes. –Andre Gide