Chapter 1: I must say

The bravest thing I've done throughout my life is pursuit. Except it didn't work out but still I don't turn back looking at it with regret. The funny thing is, of all my priorities, why don't I have any guts to pursue what I need to, especially right now when I'm at a crossroad in adulthood pretty much forced to decide for my own. I feel like I'm stuck in a round-about and other cars are just not giving way.

Back to the bravest thing I've done. As far as I remember it started out awkward. Ended awkward as well. If genders were equal then girls can ask boys out too, no? Lol! I recognize that exhilaration I felt when he said yes. But knowing that there may've been a possibility that he had a significant other later, weighed a bit over me. He basically left Monash after 1st year and I was left there hanging. Too stubborn to let go. Wondering where he went.

Moving to Australia, was a good step for me because I got to see how things were like away from home. Gippsland was small we knew who-dated-who, who-slept-with-who, who-broke-up-with-who etc. And it's a way of life. Sure there was more freedom there and new things, new people to distract me along the way.

We spoke casually on the net. I've been told time and time again not to but because I know if I don't, I will never have closure to this particular chapter. And I just not much of an Ice-queen to deal with that.

It's been probably 3 years since I sat in the same class as him for FTV. And now he's just left for NY. I'm busy settling with my Honours application and my own plans really since coming back from Australia.

I wouldn't say that I have forgotten him, occasionally I still do look back and think to myself, wouldn't it be awesome if I got to know him in person? But I'm just happy to finally know that at the end of the day, we're great where we are now. And nothing should change for any reason because somethings should just remain that way. It's ironic I still bother to return back to what I've been running away from.

My perceptions of love have changed significantly since then. I believe sometimes coincidences are just coincidences. They shouldn't be seen like a sign of fate and kept romanticized like that because life is just different from all the movie we see. If you think it's going to be like how you see in Film and TV, you will be greatly disappointed, as I was too lol.

Most people see me as the luckiest girl on the planet who has never been hurt and lives without a single worry in the world. I see myself as a person who is incomplete with a void only a lover can fill, without realizing I already have a lot of people who contributes to filling up that void. I guess it's just a matter of perception. The irony. :)

Through the course of my adolescence, as much as I see people getting together, I've also seen many relationships that fall apart and I can tell, being in one is not easy. Perhaps, in someways having this lack won't make me any less complete.

Book closed.

Loves.